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The Reality of True Community

by Brad Grammer, Executive Director, Hope & New Life Ministries



Some churches call them fellowship groups and some call them small groups. Other churches call them community groups, among other names. For the sake of this article, I'll use the term familiar to my church, which is "small group." For several years I was not involved with a small group. Mostly I explained that my schedule was too busy because I worked in the evenings. Deep down, though, I was grateful that I had to work in the evenings. And to be honest, I didn't miss not being in a small group all those years.

Running support groups for men struggling with sexuality issues had been my full-time job for several years. So in a sense, I was leading small groups but the experience was much more honest and tumultous. As the men in these groups interacted with each other and myself, I couldn't help but think in my heart that this is what God really intended for small groups in the Church. These men were often very involved in churches, and sometimes were even paid leaders in church. Yet, encouragement and help was not found until they came to Hope & New Life Ministries to face their sexual struggles. In the midst of the encouragement, though, we waded through angry feelings, sorrow and frustration with each other. I believe this is true community but it's not necessarily pretty or easy.

This past fall, I began co-leading a small group in my church. Everyone shared at the beginning of our meeting that they were interested in being "real" with each other. I asked them if they realized what that meant to be "real," the kind of real of which I'm familiar. Many of us are attracted to the benefits of being real; the warm fuzzies that come with emotional intimacy. However, most of us are not attracted to the ugly side of transparency; the ugly side being the moments when my honesty offends or hurts you.

One night a month, our small group has what we call a 'testimony' night. We share a meal and someone in the group tells his/her story. An individual is free to share what he/she desires. One brave man in the group told, painfully, his story of growing up in a home filled with abuse and neglect. Much of the time was spent listening to sobs as he labored to get out his words. He expressed, "I thought this would be easier the more I told it." Part of his story involved revealing how he struggled with homosexual attractions and how he continues to face sexual struggles to this day. Everyone in the group did a wonderful job of patiently listening without rushing to comfort too quickly, or making attempts to alleviate the discomfort of walking through someone else's painful life.

After he finished, I waited to see how the rest of the group would respond. They did a beautiful job. A couple of men shared how they feel so much more close to him as a result of him sharing. Others expressed that how much they appreciated his openness and honesty.

After that night, I drove home with more hope about small groups. The reason I hated small groups for so many years, and avoided them, is because I had experienced plenty of small groups where participants made attempts to be real but emotional intimacy grew by the teaspoonfuls. Most everyone would leave a small group that ended for a season without experiencing much, if any, change in their lives.

In my experience with leading support groups, the men experienced Christian community like they never had before. They walk out different men; more confident and able to walk through their sorrows and struggles more smoothly. Perhaps in my naivety, I believed true Christian community would be possible in a small group in a church setting. After several years of experience, though, most small groups left a stale taste in my mouth.

A new day has dawned for me, though. This is the first year where I'm beginning to experience in my small group what I had always hoped would be possible. Men can share that they struggle with homosexual attractions without feeling rejected. Women can be honest, and hurt each other sometimes because of this honesty, and return asking for forgiveness. Fellowship is richer, healthier, and more intimate. "Confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed (James 5:16)." We are experiencing the healing of which the Bible speaks. I must caution, though, that it's not fast. It's not pretty. It's not easy. But it is good.

posted by Brad Grammer @ 5:45 AM